Samuel Merrin: Genius Ramblings and Earth-Shattering Revelations

Dear Madonna

2008-06-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Madonna,

Please step down.

Your friend,

Samuel Merrin

"Goldfish Crackers"--A Foray into the Internal Neuro-Mush that are Samuel Merrin's Thoughts

2008-06-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

GOLDFISH CRACKERS

By Samuel Merrin

I eat them in quantities upwards of three at a time. The crunch of a single cheddar goldfish is hollow and empty, with little substance to merit the act of chewing. Three or four are a good amount. Five would be gluttonous.

I wonder who makes the eyes. Are they made with small sewing needles? Because I have always imagined that grandmothers with small sewing needles poke out the eyes. The rest of the goldfish creation process may well be automated, with stainless steel mold presses and expertly-fashioned conveyor belts. But, in the deepest part of soul, I know there is a room full of grandmothers with sewing needles paid a just wage to grant sight to billions of orange crackers.

I was drinking water while I ate the crackers, which depressed me because I realized that goldfish are but a sad imitation, incapable of reenacting the very essence of their shimmering, nautical muse. Pepperidge Farm Goldfish can't swim. They get soggy and disintegrate in water. Water is an anathema to them rather than a lifeblood.

I must admit thatt I make this statement entirely without regard for the scientific method. Instinct tells me that they will float. But I am unwilling to test this experiment because doing so would mean wasting not only goldfish crackers but my glass of water, which I have gone to great lengths to commandeer.

I wonder, briefly, if this kind of general malaise is why science has not yet brought us evidence of life on other planets.

I have reason to believe there might be goldfish crackers on the one of Saturn's moons.

Samuel Merrin investigates: the Oreo Cookies that Ruined Illinois

2008-05-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

MORRIS, Ill. — Got milk?
Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos has overturned, spilling the cookies still in their plastic sleeves into the median and roadway.

Illinois State Police Sgt. Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on Interstate 80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

"The boxes came out of the trailer and boxes were ripped open," he said.

The crash about 50 miles southwest of Chicago remains under investigation.

Mahoney says no charges have been filed but both lanes of traffic remain closed while authorities remove the cookies.

Samuel Merrin Commentary:
that's my favorite line, the last one. That's why I bolded and enlarged it. This is a fascinating story, full of intrigue and imagery. The raw footage is stunning and dramatic. This cookie disaster is one for the record books. It should not go unsaid that this Illinois highway was double-stuft with terror on this day.

Simba Buys Everyone a Drink: Samuel Merrin Officially Loves the Internet

2008-05-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

This is what Samuel Merrin loves more than anything: when classic cartoons are distorted and matched with hip hop music in a way that can only truly be appreciated by someone in the unique cultural position that he himself is in.

As a young impressionable youth, I loved the Lion King with all my heart and soul. To this day, every time I look up at the stars, I imagine that great kings of the past look down on me from those stars, and will always be there to look after me, including the great James Earl Mufasa.

At the same time, I have developed a keen appreciation for T-Pain and his classic "Imma Buy You a Drank (Shawty Snappin)", an appreciation I have already blogged about pretty much rad nauseum in multiple posts.

So you can imagine the extreme levels of excitement which occurred in the otherwise blase life of Samuel Merrin of late when I discovered this vital remix, which combines both my love for character-defining childhood Disney epics with hip hop pan flashes. Witness, the genius that someone has taken the time to create:

Thank you, Youtube and SakuraInfinity.

What It's Like to Be Samuel Merrin: A Morning

2008-05-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

Often times people ask me: What is it like to be Samuel Merrin?

My existence and lifestyle bring up a lot of questions. I mean, for the people around me. They see me walk around, with seemingly no responsibilities or cares.

I've decided to take this opportunity to detail just exactly what it is I do on a day to day basis. This is an unprecedented look at a morning in the life of Samuel Merrin.

(1) Waking up.

Samuel Merrin wakes up every day at the same time, at about 7:15am. Samuel Merrin doesn't set an alarm: his mind simply knows the appropriate time to awaken itself, and once it does, Samuel Merrin hops out of bed with the lithe energy of a panther.

(2) Eating breakfast

Samuel Merrin eats a breakfast of champions for breakfast each day. Usually there is some form of protein, such as a hot dog, and some sort of carbohydrate, such as a hot dog bun. Samuel Merrin makes it a point to eat patriotically whenever possible, and is no stranger to a morning potato salad or ice cream cake.

(3) Choosing his attire

Samuel Merrin is a big fan of stripes, but no other pattern really catches his fancy when it comes to interesting shirts. Jeans are also big.

(4) Going to work

Samuel Merrin usually takes MUNI to work, and then walks. He enjoys MUNI because it is sort of like a cable car, but less dangerous.

That's all I have time for now. Tune in next time for the exciting continuing saga of Samuel Merrin's daily life: the Afternoon.

Samuel Merrin: Fear and Self-Loathing at the Reception Desk

2008-04-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've already written a little bit about my experiences as a man working what might traditionally be called "a woman's job." I think I must know now what it's like to be a male nurse, or a male nanny, or a male...female bathroom inspector. I see on the faces of people who walk up to my desk that they're expecting to see a woman. Hopefully a smiling woman, a woman who will brighten up their day with their cheery demeanor and helpful driving directions. But at my reception desk, they will find no such woman. Just a swivel chair, a computer, and Samuel Merrin.

I see it all the time. A man will walk up. A man who maybe has had a bad day. He thinks, here is my chance. If I can just get a smile from a woman, that will make the day worth living. If I can just catch a small glimpse of happiness in my cold, dreary life, that will be enough. They look to the reception desk for hope, for affection, for something that loosely resembles a social interaction. What they get is a stone-faced 26-year old man dedicated exclusively to watching the clock.

It's worse for me because I guess before I came to fill in the temporary opening for this receptionist gig, the woman before me (who left to go on maternity leave) was apparently a huge ray of sunshine. I can't tell you the number of times I have heard talk of "Sandra," who made everyone's day. Sandra used to bring in muffins. Sandra's baby shower was more fun than my bachelor party. Sandra told the best jokes. Sandra's smile made my day. I miss Sandra. Sandra was like a sister to me.

You get the idea.

Sandra was a saint, and now they're left with me. I answer phones with a gruff voice, I don't have a smile for anyone, and I resent Sandy and her sunshiney attitude. Sometimes I think even telephone callers are disappointed. They never say anything, but something in the way they lilt their voice tells me: you are not good enough.

I don't know how long I'll stay at this job. I really don't feel wanted. I think everyone's secretly hoping that Sandra will put her child into daycare at 14 days so she can come back to work. Socio-normative traditional child-rearing practices be damned--these people need Sandra!

I bet that baby loves Sandra, too. What's wrong with the world?

Samuel Merrin Ruminates on Kanye West's Panda Bear Chair

2008-04-22T15:49:00.001-07:00

Kanye West posted this chair on his blog, and I am just...in awe. This is a chair made of stuffed panda bear toys. This is a CHAIR made of PANDA BEARS. If I sat in this chair I think I would be smothered by cuteness. What IS this???

Kanye West, this chair reveals more about your character than any of your albums. The fact that you have this panda bear chair's brother chair (see below) in your apartment is amazing.

I honestly don't know which one I like better. I'm getting a big kick out of that husky dog on the bottom one. These chairs, by the way, cost $75,000. This chair just made my life worth living. Genius in chair form.

Samuel Merrin is Gainfully Employed

2008-04-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've maintained a steady part-time job since I got laid off a few months ago, but Samuel Merrin has recently achieved what has until recently been deemed impossible: an actual job.

Granted, it's a temp job. But I physically work in an office. 40 hours a week. This is insanity. I'm gonna keep the actual company anonymous, just so I can more freely describe my professional "situation" without fear of corporate backlash.

I answer phones. I'm the receptionist. Now, I know what you're thinking....isn't that a job that is best taken care of by women. And before someone starts yelling at me, I'm just saying, and this is a compliment, than women are better looking than men, and thus are more appropriately equipped, so to speak, to receive guests into a place of work. I know this instinctively, but the point has been driven home more times than I care to mention, in situations such as the one I am about to describe:

The Fedex Guy
A short story by Samuel Merrin

The Fedex Guy walks in and I am instantly shamed. Here I am, Starbucks cappucino in hand, a padded, ergonomic chair supporting me, situated behind a desk at a semi-swanky corporate office building, when in walks the very symbol of masculinity, the virile Man, the be-shortsed, uniformed, ambulatory righter of wrongs and deliverer of necessary packages: the Fedex Guy.

This man's inner swagger is not immediately noticeable. It is kind of like that hidden arrow in the middle of the FedeEx loco, between the last E and X: not immediately noticeable, but once you see it one time, you notice it every time.

The Fedex Guy is a man because his entire existence is paid for by his work literally hunting and gathering. Not only does he hunt and gather, the Fedex guy goes one step further and actually delivers. He literally delivers, that's his job. This guy is incredible.

So I sign for the package, trading my dignity and a signature for whatever thing this Man has delivered, and I question my existence. I watch him walk out the door, into the sunlight, to his doorless vehicle while I sit in my dark corner of the office and ruminate on the injustice of it all.

Samuel Merrin Reviews the Preview for "Street Kings"

2008-04-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

We open up with the shot of a surly looking tough guy with the initials "LA" below his right eye. One assumes this denotes a love for the city of Los Angeles, and possibly the insinuation of murder and sadness, calling to mind the tear tattoos prisoners and murderers sometimes get in recollection of a particularly violent blow they may have dealt upon someone else. The idea of loving one's city is also hammered into the viewer's aural receptors as the lyrics are heard:

"I am the American dream, the blood of this city, the undying machine, the overpriced medicine, the murderous regime the tough guys front and the one behind the scene."

Here we have flashing images of drugs ("overpriced medicine"), of convenience store robberies ("murderous regime"), and revolving shots of Keanu Reeves ("tough guys").

Then someone kicks in a door and, apparently in response to someone asking who he and his friends are, he answers:

"Who are we? We straight nightmare."

Yes, you are.

Samuel Merrin Interview Series: John Mayer

2008-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I recently sat down with a figure I've been meaning to talk to for decades. He's a legend of his own time, a musician, an artist, a stunning symbol of shining humanity. One man, two names: John Mayer.

Samuel Merrin: Welcome, John. Thanks for being on the show.

John Mayer: Thank you, Samuel. Thank you.

Samuel Merrin: John, may I ask you a question?

John Mayer: Shoot.

Samuel Merrin: Where does the talent come from?

John Mayer: I don't know, I guess my parents.

Samuel Merrin: So your parents have talent.

John Mayer: Yes, they're very talented.

Samuel Merrin: So, why is it that I have never heard of them, or heard them sing?

John Mayer: Well, they're not...they're not active performers.

Samuel Merrin: But shouldn't I have heard of their talent, if they are so full of talent?

John Mayer: I don't know.

Samuel Merrin: So what you're saying is that your parents are talentless.

John Mayer: I think we both know that's not what I said.

Samuel Merrin: I accept your apology.

Banana Theories

2008-03-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

I think we all remember Kirk Cameron's banana theory on intelligent design, but there are new theories a-brewing regarding this starchy fruit:

Or at Least Have Your Tubes Tied

Chick #1: ... But think about it -- if we have so many bananas, like, in the supermarket and everything, then where are all the monkeys?
Chick #2: You are so right.
Chick #1: I mean, it's true -- shouldn't they be here, where the bananas are?
Chick #2: That is so deep.
Chick #1: We should stop smoking weed.

--69th & CPW

via Overheard in New York, Mar 25, 2008

Amazing!

I think the time has come for the Samuel Merrin banana theory...I will think hard about it and get back to everyone...

Happy Birthday....from Samuel Merrin

2008-03-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday yesterday, and it was great. But as I heard the "Happy Birthday" song played out ad nauseum on my voicemail by various members of my family and friends, it got me thinking about all the different versions of the song.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Sam,
Happy birthday to you.

This was the standard. But those last two lines are where the real variation comes in. Most of them come from those rebel second graders, the ones who heard the new lyrics from their older siblings and parroted them to their schoolmates. We all remember such gems as:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like a monkey,
And you smell like one too.

It's not very nice. In fact, it's downright insulting, unless you're a raging evolution enthusiast.

But is it the worst we can come up with?

I've tried to think of a couple.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
I think you're bad looking,
and I'd never date you.

Pretty mean, but I think we could do worse.

If you're willing to stray from the classic AABA rhyme scheme, your world expands into new galaxies of creative expression.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You're an asshole.
Seriously.

-Samuel Merrin

The 26th Anniversary of the Birth of Samuel Merrin

2008-03-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

In honor of his birthday today, for your reading pleasure, the legend of Samuel Merrin:

The Legend of Samuel Merrin

as told by Samuel Merrin to Barbara Walters
as transcribed by Phyllis Watkinson, Clerical Assistant to Ms. Walters

On March 11, 1982, a child was born which would alter the course of humanity. That child's name was Samuel Merrin.

Not Samuel Merrin, but a decent idea of what he looked like shortly after birth.

Samuel Merrin was born to a pregnant mother and a nervous father. After Samuel Merrin was born, however, two things changed. The first, his mother was no longer pregnant. And the second, his father was no longer nervous, but rather jubilant at the sight of his incredibly handsome infant son. So you see, two lives were already rather immediately changed.

Samuel Merrin's father was just as jubilant as Larry Birkhead, when Larry Birkhead found out jubilantly that he was Anna Nicole Smith's baby's daddy, and was, as such, ridiculously wealthy.

After Samuel Merrin was born, he began to age. This happens from time to time among infants. After spending a few dozen months outside Planet Uterus, Samuel Merrin began to discover things about the world that would serve him well in later years.

Things Learned by Samuel Merrin (while in Toddler Form):

1. The Existence of Toes, and what that means.

Again, not Samuel Merrin per se...but an equally handsome child.

2. Cake is delicious.

I think this is a girl baby. So, not Samuel Merrin.

After Samuel Merrin grew past the toddler phase, he became what is known by those "in the know" as a "5-year-old". At that point, he began his official schooling. Prior to this, Samuel Merrin had largely been schooled by the streets.

The legend of Samuel Merrin goes on from here...and is in no way finished. If the beginning of a story is just as important as the ending, or even the middle, then this story needed to be told, on the 26th anniversary of it's occurrence.

Kid Rock Pleads Not Guilty in Waffle House Battery Case

2008-03-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

I saw this article in the New York Post and was instantly filled with delight.

This article has all the makings of a classic drama: intrigue, crime, violence, waffle houses, kid rock...in a word, geniousity.

Gallery of Greatness by Yousuf Karsh

2008-03-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

I had never heard of Yousuf Karsh before today. Perhaps I should have. Born in Armenia, Yousuf Karsh has photographed major figures of our world. You've probably already seen a lot of the portraits he's snapped. I know this one of Albert Einstein in the sweater is one I've seen before.

I can only hope that one day Samuel Merrin can be included in the Gallery of Greatness....

Dear Abby

2008-02-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Abby,

Organic products have decreased considerably the quality taste of our meals. The fad of "eating organic" has largely wrested control from some of the more run-of-the-mill grocery stores, like Albertson's, or Safeway. I ask you, Abby, is this fair to the Safeways of the world? Corporate deities need money, too. Down with organic!

My main problem with organic is that due to its high cost, children are getting skinnier. Half the children I see running around these days are simply skeletons with skin! What happened to the plump children of the past? Is anyone else concerned about the growing problem of child anorexia?

When children are forced by society to be skinny and eat organic, the community suffers. I urge you to encourage your readers to at least begin to question the importance of "eating organic." If our children can no longer enjoy the foods their parents enjoyed as a child, are they truly experiencing the fullest childhood possible? Stop starving the children! Feed them more corn and candy.

Sincerely,

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel

The Kanye West Algorithm

2008-02-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

The Kanye West Algorithm for Success:

Obvious pop-culture references + repeated, slightly altered "rhyming" words + names of candy and cars + introspective revelations on difficult childhood + verbal expression of a love for Jesus + gratuitous swearing + the Kanye Romantic Allowance + self-referential commentary on past Kanye West Songs = $$$

I fit into the algorithm something I like to call the "Kanye Romantic Allowance." Kanye frequently offers to women fairly denigrating remarks. In "Drunk and Hot Girls" off of his latest album, Graduation, Kanye laments that he and his compatriot (Mos Def, in this instance) "go through too much bullshit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls." He urges the drunk and hot girl in reference to:

"Stop dancing with your girlfriend and come dance with me
Stop talking about your boyfriend since he is not me
Stop running up my tab cause these drinks is not free."

And then, in the finale of the composition, Kanye reveals:

"I thought I'd be with you for only one night
Now I'm with this girl for the rest of my life
That drunk and hot girl."

After spending an entire song emphasizing his annoyance with the fastidiously "drunk and hot girl," it turns out that the girl is now Kanye's wife. I feel that Kanye, in promoting the "Kanye Romantic Allowance," Kanye makes it somehow socially acceptable for him to degrade women, so long as he begrudgingly reveals his true commitment to them in the end.

In his "Gold Digger" opus, Kanye ruminates on a woman who seems to only want to be in a relationship if it ends in a cash transaction:

"OK, get your kids but then they got their friends
I pulled up in the Benz, they all got up in
We all went to Den and then I had to pay
If you f***ing with this girl then you better be paid
You know why
It take too much to touch her
From what I heard she got a baby by Busta
My best friend say she use to f*** with Usher"

The woman that Kanye sings about is clearly promiscuous and a bit money-hungry. However, all of the sudden Kanye backtracks:

"I don't care what none of you all say I still love her."

In the world of Kanye West, you can say all you like about a woman as long as you reveal your undying love to her in the end. (Happy Valentines Day!)

So I wrote a Kanye West song, trying to incorporate the entire algorithm, hoping it will end in dolla dolla bills y'all.

Here goes nothing:

A Trip to the Store

By Kanye West

Going to the store (x4)

Shopping cart, aisle twelve
so much food on the shelve
when we was kids, no cash, empty stomachs didn't please us
now I'm rich, dollar bills, Lexus, Benz, I love Jesus

Going to the store (x4)

Grocery store
You're a whore!
Grocery store
Whore on the ground floor.
But I'm gonna marry you
I'm like Howard Hughe
With a silent S
You want A big can of West
A big Kanye Best
You complete me
but you's a banshee
Where the milk be
must be in aisle three

Going to the store (x4)

You can't handle the truth
think I'll buy a Baby Ruth
Going through the aisles,
million dollar styles,
Jesus walks for miles
cruise the British isles

Elementary, my dear Watson
Elementary, drive a Datsun.

Going to the store (x12)

Step Up 2: The Streets

2008-02-12T20:21:00.000-08:00

Step Up 2: The Streets opens on Valentine's Day.

Personally, I know there is nothing more romantic than one guy spinning on another guy's head (Minute 1:27):

Sam I am...not

2008-02-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

I've never gone by Sam, mostly because it reminds me of that God-forsaken Dr. Seuss book. What an unnecessary waste of time.

I do not like them
in a house.
I do not like them
with a mouse.
I do not like them
here or there.
I do not like them
anywhere.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

If I were to be objective about it, the actual story is a good one, about trying new things, about not being judgmental, about changing your mind. But try growing up with a name that could justifiably be shortened to "Sam," and see how it feels to have that book quoted to you on a daily basis. I do not like it, Sam-I-am.

I think it's time...

2008-02-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

...for me to post this sucker on my Technorati Profile!

The Maelstrom's Denouement by Samuel Merrin

2008-02-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'll eventually add this to my site (Samuel Merrin: The Definitive Short Story Collection), but I thought I'd post it here first, just for fun. It's a heavy, heavy story of love, retribution, and the fickleness of nature.

The Maelstrom's Denouement
By Samuel Merrin

The ink dripped off the page after the rain had stopped. Somehow the pages seemed to extend the duration of the rainfall even after the sky had closed itself off, after Nature had ceased her promulgation of anger. The notebook had been dropped and forgotten, and as the water washed the words away onto the muddy ground the thoughts also lost themselves in the maelstrom's denouement.

The writer was a mystery, but some of the words remained legible. There was a story compiled there for the notebook's discoverer to decode and understand. It's possible that no one would have discovered it, if it weren't for John.

The only reason John found the notebook was because Nicole was too busy (or so she said) to see him. He couldn't define her, she always seemed distant but every once in a while she would open up, and her words would silently move him because he understood but had never before heard the ideas she was expressing. He knew instantly that they were true, that they were right, and that they were his thoughts, though he had never thought them before.

Her hair, he had always thought, was a thousand different colors, not one of them a hue he had ever found elsewhere in nature. Lots of girls he knew had chestnut tones in their hair, or amber, or chocolate, or any one of the myriad phonetic combinations that literary artists over the years had invented to say the word "brown." Nicole didn't have hair like any of them, though he couldn't put his finger on exactly how she struck him as so different. She barely let him put a finger on anything, now that he thought of it.

Sometimes he was filled with an irrestistable urge to reach across the table and grab her hand and hold it, hold it tight because he knew that this moment was as real as any he had ever experienced. The thought of her slipping away left his heart beating, quaking his ribcage with an offbeat drumline. But she had sent him away, and it wasn't the first time.

He wondered if she listened when he talked. She must know, he reasoned, that he breathed for her, that he had since that first day, back in March. Now, the rainy season had overtaken the city, and rivulets of the remnants of broken clouds ran through the cracks in the pavement. It was only now that John understood things, gazing up at the slate-colored clouds that seemed to be packing up their things to leave, at long last finished with their seasonal task. The blue crack in the sky expanded as the gray, nebulous mothballs retreated behind the mountains, out of site.

Seasons change, John mused, kicking a puddle as a whiff of cold breeze grazed the back of his neck. Seasons change and people change. But they had to change on their own, out of motivation of their own volition rather than the will of anyone else. John couldn't do anything to change her mind, even though the course of his heart was irrevocably cemented.

By the time he stumbled upon the notebook on his walk home, John had already come to a decision. He would tell Nicole how he felt, and leave. He couldn't bear to hear her answer, the one he knew was coming because he knew she didn't love him and never would. As his rubber soles suddenly tread on the waterlogged pages of the notebook, tucked invisibly under a wind-swept pile of loose leaves blown free by the cool breath of the abruptly-subsided rainstorm, he crouched down to pick up the leather-bound book.

At that moment, a fireball-meteor fell to the Earth from outer space and John exploded.

The T-Pain/Thomas Paine Conundrum

2008-01-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

T PAIN Lyrics
Buy You A Drink Lyrics

I've already discussed my appreciation for T-Pain in a previous post, but I recently made a connection that I hadn't thought about before. I was browsing Wikipedia articles and I stumbled upon one that mentioned Thomas Paine and his early pamphlet, "Common Sense." I then thought, wait a second there, Sam. Did 22 year old, Tallahassee, Florida-born Faheem Najm take his T-Pain stage name as an homage to the 18th century philosopher Thomas Paine?

In an effort to get to the bottom of this, I investigated and compared a few of the key phrases both in the 18th century pamphlet of considerable historic value to the independence of the United States, and T-Pain's chart-topping "Buy You a Drink (Shawty Snappin')." The results were....startling.

Common Sense vs. Buy You a Drink: A Comparative Effort
by Samuel Merrin

On their main argument:

Thomas Paine: "I offer nothing more than simple facts, plain arguments, and common sense . . ."

T-Pain:
Imma Buy You A Drank
Then Imma Take You Home With Me
I Got Money In The Bank
Shawty Whachu Think Bout That?

On Wants, Wickedness, and Intercourse:

Thomas Paine: "Society is produced by our wants, and government by wickedness; the former promotes our happiness positively by uniting our affections, the latter negatively by restraining our vices. The one encourages intercourse, the other creates distinctions."

T-Pain:
Imma Buy You A Drank
Then Imma Take You Home With Me
I Got Money In The Bank
Shawty Whachu Think Bout That
Find Me In The Grey Cadillac
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ohh, Ooh Ooh
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh.

On Patronage:

Thomas Paine: "The first [society] is a patron, the last [government] a punisher. Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil."

T-Pain:
We Gone Have Fun
You Gone See
On That Patron
You Should Get Like Me.

On Time and Decision-Making:

Thomas Paine: "Time makes more converts than reason."

T-Pain:
I Know The Club Close At 3
Whats The Chance A You Rollin Wit Me
Back To The Crib
Show You How I Live
Lets Get Drunk Forget What We Did.

On the Issue of Size in Governance:

Thomas Paine: "Small islands not capable of protecting themselves are the proper objects for kingdoms to take under their care; but there is something very absurd in supposing a continent to be perpetually governed by an island."

T-Pain: Respect Big Pimpin.

On the Expression of Optimism:

Thomas Paine: ". . . have every opportunity and every encouragement before us, to form the noblest purest constitution on the face of the earth. We have it in our power to begin the world over again. A situation, similar to the present, hath not happened since the days of Noah until now. The birthday of a new world is at hand, and a race of men, perhaps as numerous as all Europe contains, are to receive their portion of freedom from the event of a few months."

T-Pain: Aaahhh Snap.

In conclusion:

Thomas Paine: "Wherefore, since nothing but blows will do, for God's sake, let us come to a final separation."

T-Pain:
Lets Get Gone
Walk It Out
(Now Walk It Out Bang Yo Body, Aaahhh Snap)
Now Rock Rock Rock Rock.

T-Pain: a modern-day pamphleteer? As my ad hoc lyrical investigation into the deeper meaning of Young Joc's hip-hop compatriot clearly shows, there exists a correlation between the message of T-Pain and his colonial wordsmith predecessor. The question still lingering in all of our minds, however, must be: are the parallels intentional? Did T-Pain choose his stage name as an homage, or was it simply a coincidence?

Again, for all of our enlightened enjoyment:

Now rock rock rock rock.
-Samuel Merrin

Making my voice heard

2008-01-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

I've been working on my writing a little bit, mostly ridiculous stuff. (One is a Samuel Merrin collection of short stories, the other Samuel Merrin dot Org: dot-org for a reason). One is just a couple stories I wrote, and the other features a few of the earth's greatest threats. Useful.

Other than that, not too much going on in my life. A couple of writing projects, still picking up odd-jobs...tax season is coming around, not sure where I'll be at. Well, there's always tomorrow.

Happy Holidays to All

2007-12-24T13:44:00.001-08:00

Don't let anything bother you. Enjoy your family and friends.

(This has been a holiday message from Samuel Merrin, non-denominational cheer-spreader and general well-wisher)

Philz Coffee

2007-12-20T16:03:00.000-08:00

I've heard great things about Philz Coffee. I've heard the words "transcendental" to describe their caffeinated beverages. I've heard they're the types to put in cream and sugar FOR you. I've also heard that they're the types that don't really have lattes. Which is great for me, because I've always been against the latte/warm-milk-sliding-down-my-esophagus extravaganza.

I'm gonna go this weekend. I have a friend coming in from Spain, where I have spent a good amount of time, so we're gonna hit it up Spanish style, take a 3-hour lunch, get pretty trashed in the middle of the day, and then wander around looking for some transcendental coffee.

I think I know just the place.

I'll let you all know how it goes via Yelp.