Dear Madonna

Dear Madonna,

Please step down.

Your friend,

Samuel Merrin

"Goldfish Crackers"--A Foray into the Internal Neuro-Mush that are Samuel Merrin's Thoughts

GOLDFISH CRACKERS

By Samuel Merrin

I eat them in quantities upwards of three at a time. The crunch of a single cheddar goldfish is hollow and empty, with little substance to merit the act of chewing. Three or four are a good amount. Five would be gluttonous.

I wonder who makes the eyes. Are they made with small sewing needles? Because I have always imagined that grandmothers with small sewing needles poke out the eyes. The rest of the goldfish creation process may well be automated, with stainless steel mold presses and expertly-fashioned conveyor belts. But, in the deepest part of soul, I know there is a room full of grandmothers with sewing needles paid a just wage to grant sight to billions of orange crackers.

I was drinking water while I ate the crackers, which depressed me because I realized that goldfish are but a sad imitation, incapable of reenacting the very essence of their shimmering, nautical muse. Pepperidge Farm Goldfish can't swim. They get soggy and disintegrate in water. Water is an anathema to them rather than a lifeblood.

I must admit thatt I make this statement entirely without regard for the scientific method. Instinct tells me that they will float. But I am unwilling to test this experiment because doing so would mean wasting not only goldfish crackers but my glass of water, which I have gone to great lengths to commandeer.

I wonder, briefly, if this kind of general malaise is why science has not yet brought us evidence of life on other planets.

I have reason to believe there might be goldfish crackers on the one of Saturn's moons.

Samuel Merrin investigates: the Oreo Cookies that Ruined Illinois

MORRIS, Ill. — Got milk?
Police say a trailer loaded with 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos has overturned, spilling the cookies still in their plastic sleeves into the median and roadway.

Illinois State Police Sgt. Brian Mahoney says the truck's driver was traveling from Chicago to Morris on Interstate 80 around 4 a.m. Monday when he fell asleep at the wheel and slammed into the median.

"The boxes came out of the trailer and boxes were ripped open," he said.

The crash about 50 miles southwest of Chicago remains under investigation.

Mahoney says no charges have been filed but both lanes of traffic remain closed while authorities remove the cookies.

Samuel Merrin Commentary:
that's my favorite line, the last one. That's why I bolded and enlarged it. This is a fascinating story, full of intrigue and imagery. The raw footage is stunning and dramatic. This cookie disaster is one for the record books. It should not go unsaid that this Illinois highway was double-stuft with terror on this day.

Simba Buys Everyone a Drink: Samuel Merrin Officially Loves the Internet

This is what Samuel Merrin loves more than anything: when classic cartoons are distorted and matched with hip hop music in a way that can only truly be appreciated by someone in the unique cultural position that he himself is in.

As a young impressionable youth, I loved the Lion King with all my heart and soul. To this day, every time I look up at the stars, I imagine that great kings of the past look down on me from those stars, and will always be there to look after me, including the great James Earl Mufasa.

At the same time, I have developed a keen appreciation for T-Pain and his classic "Imma Buy You a Drank (Shawty Snappin)", an appreciation I have already blogged about pretty much rad nauseum in multiple posts.

So you can imagine the extreme levels of excitement which occurred in the otherwise blase life of Samuel Merrin of late when I discovered this vital remix, which combines both my love for character-defining childhood Disney epics with hip hop pan flashes. Witness, the genius that someone has taken the time to create:



Thank you, Youtube and SakuraInfinity.

What It's Like to Be Samuel Merrin: A Morning

Often times people ask me: What is it like to be Samuel Merrin?

My existence and lifestyle bring up a lot of questions. I mean, for the people around me. They see me walk around, with seemingly no responsibilities or cares.

I've decided to take this opportunity to detail just exactly what it is I do on a day to day basis. This is an unprecedented look at a morning in the life of Samuel Merrin.

(1) Waking up.

Samuel Merrin wakes up every day at the same time, at about 7:15am. Samuel Merrin doesn't set an alarm: his mind simply knows the appropriate time to awaken itself, and once it does, Samuel Merrin hops out of bed with the lithe energy of a panther.

(2) Eating breakfast

Samuel Merrin eats a breakfast of champions for breakfast each day. Usually there is some form of protein, such as a hot dog, and some sort of carbohydrate, such as a hot dog bun. Samuel Merrin makes it a point to eat patriotically whenever possible, and is no stranger to a morning potato salad or ice cream cake.

(3) Choosing his attire

Samuel Merrin is a big fan of stripes, but no other pattern really catches his fancy when it comes to interesting shirts. Jeans are also big.

(4) Going to work

Samuel Merrin usually takes MUNI to work, and then walks. He enjoys MUNI because it is sort of like a cable car, but less dangerous.

That's all I have time for now. Tune in next time for the exciting continuing saga of Samuel Merrin's daily life: the Afternoon.

Samuel Merrin: Fear and Self-Loathing at the Reception Desk

I've already written a little bit about my experiences as a man working what might traditionally be called "a woman's job." I think I must know now what it's like to be a male nurse, or a male nanny, or a male...female bathroom inspector. I see on the faces of people who walk up to my desk that they're expecting to see a woman. Hopefully a smiling woman, a woman who will brighten up their day with their cheery demeanor and helpful driving directions. But at my reception desk, they will find no such woman. Just a swivel chair, a computer, and Samuel Merrin.

I see it all the time. A man will walk up. A man who maybe has had a bad day. He thinks, here is my chance. If I can just get a smile from a woman, that will make the day worth living. If I can just catch a small glimpse of happiness in my cold, dreary life, that will be enough. They look to the reception desk for hope, for affection, for something that loosely resembles a social interaction. What they get is a stone-faced 26-year old man dedicated exclusively to watching the clock.

It's worse for me because I guess before I came to fill in the temporary opening for this receptionist gig, the woman before me (who left to go on maternity leave) was apparently a huge ray of sunshine. I can't tell you the number of times I have heard talk of "Sandra," who made everyone's day. Sandra used to bring in muffins. Sandra's baby shower was more fun than my bachelor party. Sandra told the best jokes. Sandra's smile made my day. I miss Sandra. Sandra was like a sister to me.

You get the idea.

Sandra was a saint, and now they're left with me. I answer phones with a gruff voice, I don't have a smile for anyone, and I resent Sandy and her sunshiney attitude. Sometimes I think even telephone callers are disappointed. They never say anything, but something in the way they lilt their voice tells me: you are not good enough.

I don't know how long I'll stay at this job. I really don't feel wanted. I think everyone's secretly hoping that Sandra will put her child into daycare at 14 days so she can come back to work. Socio-normative traditional child-rearing practices be damned--these people need Sandra!

I bet that baby loves Sandra, too. What's wrong with the world?

Samuel Merrin Ruminates on Kanye West's Panda Bear Chair

Kanye West posted this chair on his blog, and I am just...in awe. This is a chair made of stuffed panda bear toys. This is a CHAIR made of PANDA BEARS. If I sat in this chair I think I would be smothered by cuteness. What IS this???

Kanye West, this chair reveals more about your character than any of your albums. The fact that you have this panda bear chair's brother chair (see below) in your apartment is amazing.

I honestly don't know which one I like better. I'm getting a big kick out of that husky dog on the bottom one. These chairs, by the way, cost $75,000. This chair just made my life worth living. Genius in chair form.